You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. ~ Psalms 139: 1-6
Ernest Hemingway once said, “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end.” Just like the Psalmist and Hemingway talk about life as a journey, so too is my life. My life has been a journey but what is more important it has been a journey about the relationship between God and I.
I grew up in a family of four. My father, mother, brother, myself. If you looked at my family you could spilt us down middle. I look and talk like my father and my brother looks and talks like my mother. My bother and I could not be more opposites. He enjoys sports while I enjoy fine arts, like theater and classical music. Yet we are similar in that we are both very emotional.
My Childhood was normal. I went to school, made friends, and loved my family. Yet I was a shy kid, I never wanted to ask kids if I could play with them, especially at the Mc Donald's play place, so I would have my mom ask for me. There were also where times in my childhood where I was bullied and I was the bully. One morning back in first grade, my friends and I began making fun of one of the fifth graders because he was over weight. One of the many names we kept calling him was “chicken.” I don’t remember why we chose that name all I remember is that is what we called him.
Then during my later elementary years I was the one that was bullied not by some random kids but by my own class mates and friends. Every day during lunch recess, a group of us would play ball tag. It always seemed that I was the target. Everyone wanted to tag me. I’m not sure if this was because I was just an easy target or if it was because I was not one of the slowest. I believe it was a combination of both. Every time I was it, there were several kids, the “cool” kids, who would start sining We are Family to me. But they were not referring to an actual family but rather they were mocking my obsession about whales. Their words cut me to the bone because of they were indirectly mocking me about my weight.
I grew up in a Christian home, so God was always talked about. My parents taught me about God’s love and how he cared for me. However, those teachings didn’t comfort me or easy that pain from being bullied. They didn’t stem the lowering of my self-esteem or stop how I felt about myself. In my eyes I was still the shy kid, who was overweight, who had an obsession on whales, and was the kid that everyone wanted in their group because they knew I would do all the work to get a good grade and they could ride on my coat tails.
Then in the summer of 2002, I went out to the Grand Canyon for two weeks with a group called People to People Student Ambassador. I not only hike in the Grand Canyon but I also visited Zion National Park. During our visit there we climbed what is know as Angel’s Landing. It is a five hour hike that is five miles long. In order to get to the top, as described by the park, hikers pull themselves up by chains. I stood petrified where the paved trail ended and the chain link rope began. I stood there and watched as the others began to climb. The storm of indecisiveness raging inside of me. The thunder, in its deep voice telling me to abandon hope. The lighting speaking words of encouragement to grapple the chain link snake and climb. The rain blurring my vision and the wind propelling me forward and guiding me. Each step a dangerous step where life and death were always present. There it was, the glorious top. The giant no longer down upon me but I upon him. The heavens so close that one could touch. The world so small and I so tall. The storm gave way to peace, confidence, and new life. Angle’s landing.
In that moment a top Angel’s Landing, God began to change me. After that trip, I was a new person. I was more independent and more self-confident in myself.
God continue to change my heart over the next year and then during Sunday school the gospel message was presented to me. It was in that message that God moved me to accept the gospel message. There in my fifth grade Sunday school class with my father being my teacher, I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and savior. Over the next months I began having this desire to live for God in all I did.
There was this girl by the name of Jill (not her real name) who everyone found to be super annoying. She was bullied and an outcast. One day God broke my heart and prompted me to hang out with her at recess. I obeyed and found that she was not as annoying as everyone thought, but by the next recess I was back to hanging out with my friends.
The major theme through my teens was identity. The question who am I was the central question. I began middle school with excitement. During that past summer I had an opportunity with People to People Student Ambassadors to travel to England and France. During that trip, I began to develop my leadership skills and made some new friends. I went into middle school excited to change classes, to have a locker, and be in a different part of the school building. I excelled in academics but socially I struggled not that I did not have any friends but rather my friend’s joke all included me in some way, more often than not, I was the end of the jokes. Oh I would laugh but deep down those words pierced my new self-esteem and really cut me down.
I also began youth group where God guided me to my small group leader Doug (not his real name) who would become a mentor and friend to me in the coming years. I really enjoyed being at youth group. My small group was made up of guys whom I was friends with at church but began to develop deep friendships. Doug really took an interest in me, wanting to get know me for me, something I had not experienced before.
That fall came my first retreat. It is a retreat that will never be forgotten. When we arrived at Son of Life camp, Drew (not his real name), the youth pastor, came over and asked us how the ride down went? One of the older students replied that it was okay. When Drew asked why, he replied, “It was really warm in the car.” He then proceeded to explain how sitting in the back of the van with myself and one other student made the car will warm. As the group gathered around, Mike said that the heaters in the cabins were not working properly. Well, being excited for my first retreat I blurted out, “That’s no problem because I have a built in heater!” Everyone laughed, including myself and that became the joke for the rest of the retreat and even over the course of the next several years. That comment did more harm to me than good. It made me super conscience of my weight and it fueled my low self-esteem to new lows, but whenever it came up, I would put on a smile and laugh trying to hide the hurt and pain.
That summer after starting middle school, I again went Europe with People to People Student Ambassadors. This time it was with new leaders and new kids. The group was to large and was split. The group I was part of met with another group from Tennessee. It was from this group that I met Dan (not his real name). Dan was a strong Christian who faithfully read his Bible and even asked his family to pray for him when he talked to him on the phone late one night. I on the other hand was a new Christian, I was very legalistic in following the rules set by the leaders, even to the point where I rush Dan to finishes his conversation with mom because I did not want to be late for curfew, even though the leaders knew where Dan and I were and what Dan was doing. Then one day, as we traveling to our next sighting stop, Dan was reading his Bible and there were several older teens who were reading out loud the Scripture passage in a mocking tone. Dan just sat there taking it. He kept on reading even in the mist of being made fun of.
I look back at that event and I admire Dan for his faith. God used him to demonstrate to me what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ
The following school year a new student joined the eight grade class. He was bullied by everyone, myself included. I bullied him not to his face but rather behind his back with my friends. We commented on how stupid and annoying he was. Yet, God challenged me to show him love. It was not easy to show him love by not talking about him behind his back and often I would fail. Still, out of that trial, I discovered I had a love for those that were hurting.
Finally, I was in eighth grade, the top dog. I was growing in my faith but I had not internalized it yet. I was still riding on my parents’ faith. So again, God used a retreat to turn my world upside down. I was leaving from a large group where the speaker had just shared his story about his battle with being over weight, how it had affected him, and how he over came that struggle. I really resonated with the speaker because I too was struggling with my weight. I entered my cabin and sat down in the circle with my small group. In that circle where two of my best friends. One I had known since I was in kindergarden and the other since fifth grade. Doug like always got us in a great discussion about what the speaker had talked about. He was a master a creating questions that cause silence while we thought. During one of those moments of silence, I broke down. I told my two best friends how their bulling was hurting me emotionally. Everyone was in tears. My two friends apologized and asked for forgiveness. That was moment that God orchestrated perfectly, though it my faith took the first steps of becoming my own no longer relying on my parents’ faith. After that both Drew and Doug saw that joke about my heater was actually hurting me, they asked me to forgive them which I did. While the wounds from those jokes still hurt they began to heal. I thought things could only get better but they got worse.
A few months later, I was introduced to a lurking friend by the name of lust. When I first got to know it, I immediately turned my gaze away knowing that it was wrong even though no one had told me it was wrong. I knew it was wrong because deep down in my heart I knew that it went against God but it was too late, we had been introduce. Life went on and I thought nothing more of lust until one day. I was alone at home and bored out of my mind, my thoughts raced back to that first encounter with lust and I thought that one encounter couldn’t hurt me so I went and sought out lust.
That day began a two year long struggle with lust and all its consequences. During those two years I began to drift away from God personally. It was a slow fade. I was still going to church on Sunday and youth group, I had made profession of faith, I still had a desire to live for God but my secret struggle began to over come my desire for God. Soon I was only going through the motions. I was living a double life, a life I never wanted to live but I was. I had become the Sunday Christian and the rest of the week, I was living for myself and by the world’s standards. Sure I give the right answers but God was there waiting for me to return.
Over the course of the battle, I became the master at manipulating people’s emotions. I master how to get them to do what I wanted especially my mother. We would often get into fights that really had no purpose and they would up with both of us mad at each other. She treated me like a child by saying she would tell my father what happened (which she had every right to). But because I had learned how to manipulate her, I would use that to my own advantage usually ending with her saying she would not mention anything to my dad. I would apologize but I didn’t really mean it. In a way, my acting out was me crying out for help because I was so sick of who I had become.
Then in my Junior year of high school, God orchestrated another defining moment in our journey. My friend Jack (not his real name) had become super involved with an organization called Teens encountering Christ (TEC). Over the last several months he kept bugging me to go. But every time I came up with some excuse why I couldn’t go. Well, he asked me again, this time I said I would like to go. I said I would go mainly to shut him up and to make him happy.
I enter into the church where TEC was being held with a skeptic heart. I sat down with my small group unsure of what TEC was all about. Over the course of the next two days God began to work on my harden heart. I remember my small group leaders begging and pleading with us to open up assuring us that it was safe. Inside I smirk at their efforts. My stubborn and cold heart reasoned that opening up would be a bad idea. Then on the last day, after reading a letter from my parents praising me how proud they were of the young godly man I was becoming, I broke. I confessed to people who I had only known for forty-eight hours about the struggle I was in with lust. God’s grace and forgiveness breathed new life into a cold heart.
A few days later, I confess to Drew about my battle with lust. He didn’t shun me like I thought he would instead he thanked me for sharing with him and that I need to confess to my parents and he would be willing to be there when I did. I told him I would like that. Later that night at the dinner table with tears in my eyes, I told my dad that I need to talk to him and we went for a walk. On the walk I confessed to him everything that entailed my struggle with lust. Needless to say, that was the toughest things I had to do. The walk was a long and quiet. Neither one of said much.
God used TEC to draw me closer to him. I became a student leader in the middle school ministry. I was on fire for him. I loved my Bible classes and just learning more about the Bible. Drew and Doug started becoming more of friends rather than youth pastor and youth leader. One Friday morning during High school morning devotions, Drew sat across from me sipping his coffee and I my hot chocolate. He looked at me and said, “BD, you know what you are going to be when you grow up?” I replied in suspicious tone, “Sure.” Drew responded, “You are going to be a youth pastor.” I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Sure.” Up to that point my career plan was to become a marine biologist, move out British Columbia, and study killer whales. Yet what Drew said also seemed like a good fit. As the year went on, God used my involvement as a student leader and Drew and Doug’s friendship to move my heart towards a vocation in full time ministry.
So now I am a senior in High school only a year away from one chapter of my life closing to another beginning. I began looking at colleges with majors in youth ministry. Drew invited me several times to go with him and experience classes at Kuyper College. The first class I experienced at Kuyper College was Christian Doctrine II where that day’s lecture was on baptism. I sat there in my desk eating up every word the professor spoke, I even thought about posing the question to professor regrading the disciples and baptism but decided against it. After that day, I knew that God wanted me to go Kuyper College. I did start to fill out other application to other colleges but never finished them because I didn’t feel like those places where the places for me.
Then another one of God’s perfectly orchestrated moments came up in early March. I had just come back from a conference where I was equipped with tools to share my faith with others. Just before the last session, Drew encourage all of us to be listening for God. After the last session, on the ride back to the hotel, Doug asked each one of in the van what God had spoken to us. When it was my turn, I said that I felt God calling me to share my faith with one of my friends who was not a believer.
A few weeks went by and I hadn’t even attempted to share my faith with this friend. Then one Sunday after church, Doug came up to me and asked if I had shared my faith with my friend. I responded that I hadn’t. Doug then asked to pull from my wallet a gift card that I no longer used, so I pulled out an old Target gift card and on it Doug wrote “BD’s man card.” He then told me that wouldn’t get my “man card” back until I followed through on sharing my faith.
At first, that was some motivation but it soon faded away. A week or so later, during the night I was having a hard time falling asleep. I tried everything I could think of: counting sheep, counting backwards from one hundred, even just closing my eyes. However, nothing worked; then the Holy Spirit prompted me to open my Bible to the story of Moses and the burning bush. As I read that story, the Holy Spirit revealed that I was like Moses. I was giving God the same excuses as Moses did and all the promises that God promised to Moses was promised to me.
Well, that divine encounter motivated me and I began searching for a way to share my faith with my friend. Well, that day happened to be my friend’s birthday and I turned to him in class and just causally mention how I wanted to take him out for his birthday. He liked that idea and so we ended up going to Mc Donald's that the next day. While we ate our food we were able to catch up and I was able to share a little bit of what God had been doing in my life. I look back and see that the words coming out of my mouth were not my words but God’s words. Just like Moses, I was God’s mouth piece to my friend. He didn’t come to know Christ on that day but that is okay because all I am called to be is the seed planter not the grower.
Summer came around and I had gotten my first real job. I was an auto parts deliver. My job was to deliver auto parts to various locations around the Grand Rapids area. It was a great first job and I enjoyed the experience but what really stuck out for me is that is the summer I got my iPod touch. It was so much fun until my old friend lust decided to show up at my front door again.
I again welcomed him in like an old friend. I had become comfortable and thought I had over come lust and his influence in my life but I was wrong. This time around he was battling to stay for good. During the battle I was freshman at Kuyper. I was learning so many new and exciting about the Bible, yet lust and God were competing for a place in my heart. I again feel into only going through the motions, lust was hardening my heart again.
Then one fall afternoon, I opened the door into my room only to be greeted by the cool air and the grayness of the afternoon. As I walked in, my stomach heavy from lunch and all I could see was my bed calling out to me telling me to fall down and rest a while.
But before falling for the temptation of a nap, I spot a white plan envelop with my name written in cursive, sitting upon my laptop. The thought of a nap was swept up by the storm of excitement as my hands fumbled to open the tightly sealed envelop to see a two page letter cradle inside. The letter was from my friend John (not his real name). He wrote:
Since the beginning of the school year, there has been something that I have wanted to talk to you about, but haven’t found the guts…
In that letter John called me out on several things but the two biggest were: my personality trait being too clingy and how girls were uncomfortable around me. They found to be creepy and a stalker. I threw the letter in the top draw of my desk out of anger. How could John say such words I thought as I stormed out into the cool autumn air. As I walked though the trails on campus the anger inside of me burned against both John and God. I decided immediately to fight it out with God, telling him how I really felt and what I thought. While I was yelling, God simply kept silent, then only then when I was done having my hissy fit, God spoke. He told me that what John had written was true. That afternoon, God challenge me to reflect on who I was and had become. I had become someone I didn’t want to be. I had fallen back into a lustful man. However, lust wasn’t going to give up that quickly. He fought back and held onto to me until that fateful night in the spring where he and God would battle it out once and for all.
That spring night, I sat in a arm chair in the commuter lounge listening to a fellow student share his testimony about struggling with pornography and how God had overcome that desire and struggle. While I listened, I fought back every tear because I knew what was true of that student was true of me. I wanted so badly to get rid of lust and its desires but I was trying to do it on my own. I walked outside with this war: God against lust raging inside of me. I walked and walked arguing with myself if I wanted to give it all to God or try to go on my own. God eventually pierced the swirling darkness of lust and confusion. He reminded me of his love and that no matter what I had done, he was waiting with open arms again.
I called Drew but he didn’t pick up so I left him a voicemail confessing my struggle with lust again. Then I went to bed. The next morning I had a voicemail from Drew expressing his concern for me and asking me to call him back. I did and we talked. He told me I would have to tell my parents again but he said it could wait until after the leader’s retreat that weekend. I hung up and thought that would be good to wait to talk to my parents because Sunday would come and I wouldn’t need to talk to my parents, my dad was leaving for a business trip that afternoon. So I finished class and went home.
When I got home, nobody was home, I plopped myself down in front of the t.v.. Just as I was settling down, both my parents walked into the house. I turned off the t.v. and went up them, immediately I told them about my struggle with lust. My dad stormed off down stairs and my mom began crying. All I could do was go and embrace her, tears streaming down my cheeks and all I could say was that I was sorry. God extended his grace and mercy upon me yet again. This time there was no doubt that God had won.
I finished up my first year at Kuyper and summer was upon me. I began preparing for my summer journey at Grace Adventures where I would be one of the camp’s media specialist. I had no doubt that God was real but I was wrestling with whether He was calling me into full time ministry or into the film industry. As I saw it, I envisioned myself doing both with no problems. The first two weeks went really smooth. Then came father’s day and a sea of home sickness poured down on me. I didn’t know how to handle such an emotion. I had been home sick before but never to this level. Rather than seek out help, I decided push the emotions back behind my carefully constructed dam of self-pervasion. The following Sunday followed the same routine: Community worship, lunch, and then staff huddle.
Yet this Sunday was different. I sat down in the circle and moments later tears were running down my face. I tried as hard as I could hold them back and behind the dam of self-pervasion but I felt the cracks beginning to form as an earthquake tremors through my soul breaking my carefully constructed dam of self-pervasion. The water cascading down into all the trees of success and rocks of failure. I sat in my chair shaken watching everyone leaving to go into their ministry teams. Then, several of the guys came around me, bathing me in prayer and bring me and my problems before the feet of the cross.
The next thing I know, I was in the President Steve’s office setting in the red plush couch surrounding me like a giant security blanket. When asked what happened all I could mustered to say was that I had an emotional breakdown. The dam I had so careful constructed torn apart, exposing rusted rebar of worry and fear. God in that moment spoke to me through Steve. He asked if I wanted to know how to know God’s will for my life. I told he yes thinking he would give me some magical formula. President Steve gave me no magical formula rather spoke two words, “Know God.” Two words so simple and yet so profound in that moment. I had been putting myself at the center of my life rather than God. That was what God taught me that summer: to place him at the center of my life and not to worry about having my life all planed out. The following summer, back at Grace Adventure, God taught me how to better handle conflict.
As I look back upon my journey, I see God’s faithfulness, his guidance, and his never failing love and forgiveness. I know that the all the good times and struggles I faced were part of God’s plan to lead me to where I am today and to that I am ever thankful to God. I am excited to see what God has in store for me.
